To Be Inherently Honest, We Must Stop Lying.
When we talk about values as leaders, teams or organizations, a lot of us have honesty listed. To achieve an honest environment, we need to stop lying first. We cannot just be ‘more’ honest and hopefully, that overpowers everything.
The majority of us would classify the lies we tell as small, low consequence lies. We may be trying to protect our children or other loved ones. Maybe we lie to cover up our own insecurities. Whatever the case is, we do it, even though we have good intentions.
If you are reading this article and are starting to think, I don’t need to read this because I always tell the truth, remember, lying to yourself, is a lie.
The Goal: To be inherently honest.
Easy to say, hard to do. Let’s talk about why we lie, the outcomes of it, and a path forward. When we let go of lying, we are left with honesty.
Why we lie?
We will have underlying reasons why we lie. Some are by habit and some may be related to a deeper problem. In social situations, we just want to fit in and at work, it’s no different. For our corporate lives, we don’t want to come across as incompetent, and we want to impress people. The reasons will vary, but the results will be the same. We might move forward by lying, but we can never go back on a lie.
Here are a few more reasons:
We don’t want to disappoint someone.
Can’t come to terms with the truth.
We want to protect ourselves or others.
Social interactions or situations have the potential for an awkward moment or conflict.
We are covering up another lie, causing a snowball effect.
If we are honest, we might lose control of a situation.
Too many others to list, but you get the idea.
How it hurts us.
I remember being in university submitting assignments and telling myself I did a great job. I wanted to think I was doing a good job, so I didn’t have to put any more effort in. We comfort ourselves to rationalize the decisions we make. Sadly, being honest isn’t always comfortable at first.
We get ourselves in situations when projects or operational tasks are not going well. We look at reality and will deny it. It’s hard to come to terms when our environment isn’t going the way we wanted it, but when you don’t accept reality, you aren’t being honest with yourself. Asking for help is hard and being honest is even harder.
How can we have a true growth mindset if we are not honest with ourselves?
How it hurts others.
We know how it feels when we lie to someone, and it’s even worse when it comes out. Trust is hard to build and keep, but easy to lose. Our intentions are never to hurt anyone but to protect their feelings. Are we really protecting them though?
Feedback.
One common scenario I see is when we give feedback to others. For example, when someone asks us how they are performing, or our opinion of their new business idea, we tend to tell people what they want to hear. That feels good at the time, but we are doing no one any favours. How will someone ever improve as a person if we don’t give honest feedback? Think back when someone asked for your opinion on something and you lied because you didn’t have the heart to tell them the truth.
Our personal lives.
We love those closest to us and would never hurt them. We think the truth might start an awkward conversation or a potential conflict. Who wants that? Avoiding those moments doesn’t build healthy relationships. Building the foundation on lies, regardless of our intentions, will come back to haunt us. This applies to family, friends and colleagues.
Our children.
We love our children more than evolution requires. We will do anything to protect them. Think of moments when you tell your children a small lie. Or maybe for them not to share a private conversation that they overheard. What will their reaction be when they find out something was a lie or you ask them to hide something? It might be that lying is okay since mom and dad do it.
I am not telling you to spoil Christmas and tell them Santa doesn’t exist, but it does make you think about how we lie to our kids to make them happy. Strange world we live in.
A path forward.
Being a leader who has a growth mindset is not easy, but it is fulfilling.
Starts with you.
You have to start being honest with yourself first. Think of the lies we tell ourselves. Maybe it’s that we are going to exercise tomorrow when we know, we have no intentions of starting. Or it’s that we think we have the skills to be great at our work but have not put to help ourselves.
Think of the journey you have taken up till now. Have you been respectful to yourself or others? How about compassion? Were you humble? Start by being honest with ourselves because if we want our environment to change, we need to lead by example.
One final thought on the ‘self’. Are you sure the environment around you will react negatively if you are honest? There are times we think that if we are honest, the people around us will judge us or we will run into conflict. Our minds convince us of a reality that sometimes doesn’t even exist. Don’t fall for the trap. Most of the time it’s never as bad as we make it out to be.
Learn how to give feedback.
When interacting with others in the workplace, giving and receiving feedback is healthy for teams to progress. The moment honesty is at the center of your value system, you and your team will continue to grow. There are a lot of articles on how to give feedback, here is one. However, I am not going to cover tips and methods, I am going to talk about your approach.
If you lead with honesty and follow it with humility and compassion, your feedback won’t get taken the wrong way. When people receive feedback from others, most of the reaction is based on feelings and facts come later. Those feelings are tied to several factors. One of them is the perception they have of you.
Work on being a compassionate person who understands what humility means. The people around you will receive your feedback better because they know your intent and the values you lead by. People should view you as someone who is understanding, and not a threat. This will allow you to freely give regular feedback to others.
Better relationships.
Healthy relationships with your partner at home or the people you work with are key to an honest life. Being able to share something without receiving judgement or criticism will build the right foundation.
Whether you are at work or home, you need to create the right environment where honesty isn’t met with negativity. Some of this will point towards the culture of your workplace or team. We need to surround ourselves with people that give us that environment. These will be some of the hardest conversations you will have in your leadership journey. The main reason might be because you also have to change.
Fake it till you make it.
There are situations when we motivate ourselves to push forward and achieve our dreams. There is a notion of ‘fake it till you make it’. I actually believe in the idea of stretching yourself beyond your abilities. However, I know when I stretch myself, I am learning. If I take on something and I have never done it before, I won’t turn away, but I won’t lie to myself or the people around me either.
The moment you tell yourself you can do something and then lie to yourself about having the skills to do it is when you get in trouble. Be upfront in your abilities and still go for gold. Explain to everyone that you are learning as you go. That’s what leaders do; we learn.
Final Thought
This was an extremely hard article to write. After years of meditation and seeing my words coming a mile away, I have learned to catch myself before getting caught up in the moment.
Let’s not normalize lying, even though it’s what we see on the news. Remember the goal, be inherently honest.
