Why didn’t I call him?

I wrote most of this right when emotions were at their strongest. I thought about rewriting most of it now that my mindset is a bit different. However, I decided against that and wanted to share how I felt.   

There was a school event where our kids attended school. Every year schools always have wrap-up events before the summer break. Great time for kids and parents to get together and enjoy each other's company. 

I was in line getting balloons for my daughter when I heard my name from my right ear. I looked over and had to look twice to recognize a friend I had known since middle school. We were pretty close growing up. He was there with his daughter. He looked in rough shape when I saw him. As he got closer, we shook hands, and he leaned in for a hug, which is normal for us. I asked him how he was doing, and he said, "ok." Then he said he's just happy to be alive. We have heard that statement many times, and I thought nothing of it. He asked if I could help him find a job, and I said of course. I asked him to check on our company site, and I can put in a good word. Pretty standard conversation. I told him I would follow up with him soon. 

When I got home, I couldn't stop thinking about how he looked and came across. A couple of days later, I went out with friends who knew him. I told them about my experience with our friend and how we should give him a call in the next week or so to see if he needs some help.

A week later, our friend got off work early and headed home. When he got home, he left his phone at his place, got in his car, and went for a drive. He drove to a rail yard, walked in front of a train, and left this world behind. Gone.

When a mutual friend called to tell me that he ended his life, I knew I should have just called him. Why did I wait? I knew something was wrong.

What was the drive like for him? Just imagine driving alone, knowing the decision you are about to make. Did he cry? Did he pull over and have second thoughts? Did he think of his daughter, mother, stepmother, brother and two sisters? Did he leave his phone behind because he didn't want anyone to change his mind? Like every tragic mental health story, there are always more questions than answers.    

Or was he in such a dark space that his pain overshadowed the joy we should have in life? Someone told me I can't compare my line of thinking with someone in such a dark place. It’s hard not to though.

I knew the past decade had been challenging for him, but I had no idea how bad it was. But now, looking back, as always, the signs are clear. He distanced himself from friends and some family. The drinking was getting bad too.

Growing up as the older brother, he always cared for everyone around him. Along with being a stellar athlete and a great friend, he loved his family. I don't know how much he cared for himself, though. Everyone has someone they lean on; for him, it was his father. Sadly, his father passed a few years back, and I wonder if my friend would be alive today if his father had been around. 

I am not a mental health professional, but there are a lot of signs that most of us know. The issue is acting on those signs. However, like any disease, this is one where getting help early is critical. Don't wait too long if you see a change in yourself. It might be too late. How you think now won't be how you will feel when you are in that dark place.

Being mindful and taking care of your mental health is far from weak. We walk, run and get exercise for our bodies, but the mind and body cannot be separated. I personally still have a long ways to go. I have been working on my self-awareness for years. However, I still wasn't aware enough to call him right after seeing him. How many more friends are we going to lose? Are we all that busy?

I don't know what happens when we die, but I know those here will miss us. He's gone now; I don't know if I could have helped. Either way, I will wonder why didn’t I call him.

Help yourself or help someone. It might save a life.